My story
I am sure these past couple of years have been crazy for everyone. We are all going through something somewhere; maybe some more than others. Trying to live through this pandemic while going through a major life change can make this pandemic feel even crazier. One major life change I was going through was being pregnant with my second daughter while working from home with a toddler during the pandemic.
When the pandemic first started, I was pregnant with my second child, Luna. My first daughter, Isabella, was 2 at the time and in daycare before they were ordered to shut down due to the pandemic. This all happened not long after my family members and I were self-isolating at home after my daughter caught the dreaded Hand, Foot and Mouth (HFM) disease. I thought that virus was truly horrendous, geesh. My daughter would cry whenever she drank or ate anything except, oddly enough, when she was eating Cheerios in milk. She would even tolerate drinking the milk from the spoon while eating cereal. This is a tip you can try to see if it works for your child if they ever get HFM disease. But I pray for you that it never happens!
So technically, we were on lockdown for about 2 weeks before the whole country went on lockdown. Talk about bad luck! I guess I shouldn’t complain since I luckily did not catch what my toddler had, but my husband cannot say the same. He looked like a walking dead zombie around the house for about 2 weeks. Like literally, we had to keep checking to see if anybody’s nails would fall off (yes, apparently that can happen).
The week after everyone in our province (minus essential services) was ordered to stay home and work from home, I coincidentally caught the “flu”. To this day, I am unsure if I had covid as Isabella often would get sick from daycare, which she graciously shared with our family as well. For the second time at the beginning of the month of March of 2020, we both had fevers, chills, and a terrible cough. It was probably the worse cough I ever had in my entire life. Since there was a pandemic and lockdown measures were in place, no doctor would see me and my daughter for our illness. We were only given telephone call appointments with doctors. And because I had not travelled or have been close to someone who had travelled that we were aware of, none of the doctors seemed to think we could have covid. We also could not get tested for covid as we did not meet the criteria that were stipulated at the time due to limited testing availability. What was bizarre about all this was that without testing those who did not travel or have been close to someone who has travelled, there would be no proof of community transmission. Unless either of us had to be hospitalized, there was nothing we could do, nor would the doctors do anything for us.
I still remember how sick I felt at the time; I was coughing so hard every single day that I thought for sure I was going to miscarry. I previously had a miscarriage before my rainbow baby, so the thought of another miscarriage felt very real and very likely. I threw up every day from all the coughing. I remember the aggressive coughing and heaving until my body was too tired and had nothing left to empty… and the disruptive sleep from the constant coughing all night. And when I did miraculously fall asleep, I would wake up gasping for air, or I’ll be startled awake from the wheezing sounds that were coming from out of my throat. I am so glad that I survived that period and that Luna made it through the hell that I went through. She sure was a soldier, and she continues to prove that she is a soldier as she tries to maneuver into her role and life with a very hyper and energetic big sister. Poor kid.
Announcing my pregnancy at work
I told my manager at work that I was pregnant when I was only 1 month pregnant. I wanted to give him notice, especially with all the prenatal appointments that would be coming up. Plus, we work in a small section of my department. My maternity leave would have quite an impact on the workload. Some may think that I provided notice a bit too early, but I’m just that kind of person. I am honest, maybe too honest, and care too much about the people around me. I know, eye roll, right? But, to be completely honest, I think everyone should consider their own situation, personal and work, to make the best decision for themselves. I don’t think it’s one answer that fits all. However, I know a lot of people would prefer to wait until after the first trimester, as the pregnancy is often considered more stable after that time.
Right before the lockdown, when my pregnancy was almost three months old, I finally announced my pregnancy to the rest of the people in the office. And by announcing, I mean I stopped wearing oversized dresses (because pants were way too uncomfortable). The guise was really for me as I never wore oversize dresses and it was obvious to everyone that I was pregnant, ha! The majority of people that did find out that I was pregnant before the lockdown were not surprised. In fact, they laughed at the fact that I was even trying to hide the pregnancy. I am one of the lucky ones whose pregnancy shows really early. And by early, I mean, my mom asked if I was pregnant when I was only a week pregnant! People at work asked if I was pregnant in the first month! So, not long after “announcing” my pregnancy, the lockdown started and my full-time work from home became maternity leave. I guess I was fortunate to miss the inappropriate comments on how I look like I’m “ready to pop” and people missed my penguin waddle walk at work.
Working with a toddler
During the lockdown, I felt like I was losing my mind when I was trying to work and take care of a toddler. Trying to manage a two-year-old child while three months pregnant and working from home at the same time was like trying to stomp a balloon filled with helium underwater. It was madness! I had morning sickness (on top of being severely sick for about three weeks) and I was just so exhausted from trying to make sure my toddler survives the day.
What was meant to be temporary measures soon became a not-so-temporary situation, and I knew this arrangement was not going to work for long. I was working long hours to make up for the daily distractions and interruptions from working from home with a toddler. My job requires a lot of reading, concentration, and a lot of back-to-back meetings. It was extremely difficult to manage it all. Trying to continue to be an efficient and productive employee and, at the same time, trying not to be a distracted mother and wife was mission impossible. I was trying to do everything and was failing at everything. I knew I had to do something.
Conversation with my manager
I had the dreaded conversation with my manager without a concrete plan or a coherent thought in place. I basically just told him what I was going through but didn’t really know what the solution was. Instead of telling me to suck it up or gather myself, he was completely understanding, and together, we came up with a solution. But as the pandemic continued, eventually daycares started opening up, and my husband’s employer told him it was time to go back to work in person. I knew the “understanding” from my work could only last for so long. I had to decide whether I will put my daughter back in daycare while working from home full time. I ended up going on leave earlier than planned and had hoped for, but it was probably for the best. I couldn’t possibly handle a toddler by myself, at 7 months pregnant and working from home at the same time. I don’t think I would have survived it; it was actually a miracle that I was able to do it with my husband and lasted as long as I did. But that could be the reason why I also went into labour at 37 weeks.
That was the story of my life: pregnant, working from home, and managing with a toddler, trying to “survive” as best as we could. Others could have handled their situation better than I did, but I tried to do what I could do at the time.
6 tips to help ease your work during a pandemic with a toddler
1. Don’t try to make a detailed schedule and expect what the day should be, hour by hour with your toddler while you are working.
I tried creating a schedule like daycare on a rotation of different activities and events for the day. The epic failure of it not going the way I planned was in a way worse than not having a plan at all. You can prepare what you want them to do each day, but just don’t expect that it will be on schedule, or that they will be willing to do it at all! As long as they do not hurt themselves and are fed, then I personally think it was a successful day. Have a plan in place but also have lower expectations and you will feel more accomplished.
To be clear, I am not saying you should have really low expectations, but more of a realistic one based on the type of child(ren) you have. You will constantly need to adjust and adapt to find what works for your family. I know this applies more to really young toddlers with short attention span. Older child(ren) may be different, especially if they have virtual school to attend.
2. If you want to request any type of accommodations at work, think carefully of a plan that can work with your schedule.
Hopefully, you have an understanding employer. Think of an alternative schedule that could work better with your schedule at home. Whether working off-hours or weekends etc., sit down with your partner and really think about how you can make this work TOGETHER. Don’t call your manager and start blabbing incoherently like I did. I was lucky to have an understanding manager, but I think it’s best to approach your employer with viable options instead of just focusing on what the problem is. Of course, this option is not available to everyone, and it is dependent on your job and family situation.
3. Consider the type of leaves/absences you can take and are available to you.
You may want to consider using them to make your schedule work (if your employer allows it, even if it is unpaid) because sometimes it is just not worth burning to the ground. Waiting until it’s too late for yourself and/or your family is not the way to go. You may not be able to undo all the damages that have been done. I understand that not everyone can do this and needs all the income they can get. I think it is just an idea worth considering in hopes that it will lessen the burden of working from home with kids if you can. If you are considering working fewer hours, look into additional resources that may be available from the government (like employment insurance) to make up for at least some of the differences in your income.
4. Meal prep in advance.
I find preparing meals the night before really helpful, especially if you do not have a lot of time to prepare meals while working. You can cook the food the night before (so all you need to do is heat it up the next day), wash and prepare the vegetables (and other necessary ingredients) the night before. Prepare overnight casseroles, or even marinate the food the night before so that the cooking time will be reduced significantly on the day. You can also prepare a large quantity of food and freeze them so you can easily cook them when it is needed.
Meal prepping in advance will help decrease the anxiety the next day so you can save time trying to figure out what to eat and save time with cooking too. I had unexpected meetings that ran too long occasionally and did not get to make lunch at a reasonable time. I had to deal with a cranky child on an empty stomach (while pregnant!). None of us were happy!
5. If possible, take turns with your partner on work and house chores so that the both of you are not getting burnt out trying to do it all and, at the same time, not being able to accomplish everything. This will require both of you to sit down, talk it out and agree on a plan.
I know this may not be easy, but if you and your partner have different hours, then try to arrange that whoever is not working can help with the house chores while the other one is working. For instance, one partner can prepare the meals so that when the other partner is off work, the food is ready to be cooked. I know that may sound unrealistic to many, but the chores can also be smaller like laundry or vacuuming. The whole premise is that both partners should work together as a team so that one partner will not feel overwhelmed with a never-ending list of things to do. I know in an ideal world, this could work but not everyone has a supportive partner, or even a partner at all, and may have other circumstances that this option is not possible.
What I did find helpful was creating a schedule for house chores at home. On Mondays, I did the girls’ laundry. On Tuesdays, I did my husband’s and my laundry. On Wednesdays, I cleaned up the house. On Thursdays, I prepared a grocery list and planned meals for next week. On Fridays, we ordered groceries and mopped. Because we have the support we need from each other, we arranged our schedule this way so that Saturdays and Sundays were free for social events, house projects, relaxation, and whatever else we were not able to do during the weekday. Of course, you can re-arrange it differently and have everything done on the weekend instead, or whichever way that works better for your schedule. But I find that having a schedule helped us manage our house better. Don’t get me wrong, I am not always on schedule and things get missed or pushed back. But that is life, and all we can do is try our best to be on track as much as we can. And if it’s not, in the grand scheme of things, it is not a huge deal.
One thing I learned from my experience was that when my work and my home were not able to function harmoniously together, I should have found another alternative, even if it meant it will likely be a sacrifice of something (like working in the evenings). Although it is not a choice I would prefer (seriously, who would prefer to work at night or on the weekends?!), and I recognize that could also lead to burnout as well, but it could potentially have a better outcome for everyone. It could have been better if my husband and I had alternated and tried to pitch in together for work hours and house chores. When I was pregnant and working during the pandemic, there were a lot of tears, stress, and disappointment (for both parents and the child). I should have considered an alternative solution that could have been for the best of the family. I know it is easier said than done, and this may not be possible for some people with different circumstances. Maybe you can try it as a trial run and if it does not work out, you can ask to switch it back. It would be good to see what works best for your family with different options, especially when the current situation is not working out. This will also show your employer that you are trying your best to make it work out as well.
6. Try your best to get things done and find some time for yourself as well.
During the stay-at-home orders and lockdowns, most people understand what that means to someone who has kids and must work as well. I was incredibly tensed at the time and now looking back, and seeing how long this pandemic is lasting, I realized that some things were not as important as I thought they were at the time. As mentioned in number 5 above, try to find an arrangement that could work more harmoniously, even if it demands a sacrifice. We can only try our best to do what we think is best for our family. Be forgiving on yourself and remember to incorporate some time for yourself. Whether it is time for meditation, education, and/or even relaxation. Try to schedule this into your time and, if you need to, arrange it so you and your partner can take turns. You will likely need to work on it to make it happen, as putting time for yourself is not always an easy task, but it is so important for your mental health.
This was essentially my life, momming while pregnant, and working during a pandemic. I hope I was able to provide something useful to someone else out there.
